A new direction, a new life, new hope!

My first computer. The commodore64. <3 Oh I remember those dos prompt, high contrast days....

I have this odd mixture of depression plus hopefulness wandering around in my body right now. I am, without a doubt, depressed. I see the signs. But I'm hopeful and excited as well. It's..... odd.

I spent a good chunk yesterday chatting with one of my best friends. He's one of those guys where you feel blessed beyond words when you stop and think about what your friendship means. He's amazing, any woman that manages to catch him is one HELL of a lucky bitch. A shame I'm taken and would never want to ruin our friendship. =P Seriously though, this man is amazing. He took us in for 6 months when we moved back to LA. He braved the drama without blinking an eye. He's always there to listen to me bitch and rant. We have amazing conversations. He does make me feel like an idiot occasionally but that's only because he's probably the most intelligent guy I know.

Poor guy im'ed me yesterday demanding to know why he was giving me nightmares (a silly myspace comment I left). Naturally, since I've been dealing with helping friends get through some emotional troubles, I launched into this long rant about my life and work and how frustrated I am. I wasn't even aware that such issues were bothering me until a friend gave me a chance to really talk about my life. Now I see why I'm always more than willing to help friends through tough times, it acts as a good distraction for me. After awhile we began bouncing ideas back and forth for my new career. What I want, what I don't want, what would make me happy, etc. My requirements have changed since I graduated high school. Life changing events made me realize what I originally wanted no longer fits with what I want my future to be like, NOW.

When I was a kid, I was all about creativity, art. I didn't want a family, so I was fine with being married to my career, didn't really understand what that whole cost of living thing is. I didn't understand the importance of stability nor did I understand just how subjective things are when it's all design based (clients love it or hate it, boss loves it or hates it no matter how technically good the final outcome is). I didn't understand how much a job that is 100% design would drain all creative juices nor was I aware of the fact that a soley design based job would bore me to tears. So, things have changed. I am ready to say good bye to fashion design but at the same time I'm not too sure I want to leave graphic design behind. I do actually ENJOY graphic design and I am a complete computer nerd. I'm the type that tends to think "oooooooh, what happens if I do... THIS?!" Occasionally I'll kill a computer, or blow up a router but it's this never ending curiousity that I have when it comes to these machines. I was raised with them, I've worked on them for a long time, I ADORE learning about computers.

After about 15 minutes of listening and bouncing ideas back and forth he pitched Web Programming. Now, he's director of IT, he's been doing this for about 6 years. So if anyone knows web programming, it's him. I expressed my fear of failing, since I've somehow got it stuck in my brain only intelligent people can manage and regardless of being a top notch student, on the honor roll my entire life, etc so on and so forth, I've never felt intelligent at all. Maybe it's because I keep company with individuals like him. Maybe it's because it seems like, as I've gotten older, the only way to prove ones intelligence is through debates and those are NOT my style. Maybe it's because my ego has been trampled into the ground over the past 5 years, who knows. He put my fears to rest simply saying it's a new way of thinking, nothing more, that I likely just need a class or two to understand.

Upon further discussion he suggested Flash Programming. This requires both programming knowledge AND graphic design. It's a very well paying nitch market. Web programming will let me build ON my graphic design experience rather than leaving it behind and apparently looks great on a resume in this field. So instead of outright trashing my last oh, 11 years (I've been doing graphics since I was 15, just kind of fell into it and been hooked since), I'm building on it. Giving it new dimension, new meaning. Being that it's both design and programming, it should keep my interest and it won't drain my creative juices like an all design based job.

I'd need to learn some computer languages, HTML (which I have basic knowledge of already), Javascript, CSS and I'd need to decide if I wanted to go the Microsoft ASP.Net route, PHP or free/linux route. I've tried learning a few computer languages, have books on CSS but my brain implodes the moment I try to take it from theory to practice. I'll get it for a split second, then loose it. So I'm hoping all I'd need is a class to remove whatever mental block it is that I have. I'd also want to enroll in some advanced photoshop classes as well as flash and web design. I've been meaning to take some advanced graphic design classes for years anyway. So ironically enough, even with my rough plan, I was heading down the web programming route without even knowing it.

It sounds perfect and upon research, I know it's a well paying, in demand job that has a solid future. Websites aren't going anywhere. I wouldn't be tied to just one city and I don't see why it wouldn't transition over to places like Europe. A degree isn't as much of a big deal since IT is largely self taught and to keep up on technology, most simply pick up a book. What matters most is getting your first job and kicking ass. Plus I'd have to keep up with new technology and new languages meaning a new excuse to learn new skills (and I LOVE learning). It honestly sounds perfect.

So I'm going to be meeting up with a few colleges to discuss my options now and a year down the line. I'm ready to enroll in classes this moment but I don't want them screwing up my unemployment nor do I know how 08 will effect any possible assistance I can get (which I will need). I figure, study web programming, brush up on graphic design, get a really solid back bone set so I can go any direction I want and do whatever my employeer asks of me, then hit the ground running when this economic shit storm passes. I'm seeing this listed in both computer technology and engineering, rarely but sometimes mixed in with graphic design. But most graphic designers (and this is personal experience) tend to focus on the design aspect and rarely, if ever, touch programming. Programmers don't get the graphics aspect. So knowing both and being skilled in both will be a HUGE asset. On top of this, being that my sole backbone to design is ART, I have even more pull than most designers since most come from a design background, not a traditional art background. Trust me, there is a huge difference between the two.

I'm finally seeing my future clearly. I'm seeing a very bright future at that. Of being happy and secure in my job. Of finally having good benefits. Of no longer being creatively drained at the end of the day. No longer having bullshit subjective standards set, of success being "did it blow up? Is it doing it's job? Yes, then there is your black and white proof that I've done MY job". Of no longer living pay check to pay check. And, for once, of not regretting spending the past 5 years as a professional graphic designer for a very lousy, abusive industry.

Life in the future, even if it's oh, 4 years down the line, looks beautiful. =D

Make it go away!

I am so sick right now. I woke up this morning with level 8 pain in my knees. It was on par with breaking my ankle. I was literally in tears. I haven't experienced this level of pain for years. I'm spending today taking it easy, off my feet. I can't aggravate my knees any more than they already are or I won't be able to walk for the next week. I really hope this is simply linked to this cold of doom and not a sign that I'm entering another one of my phases where I can't even hold my own weight without crumbling to the ground due to the intense level of pain that settles under my knee caps. Imagine the tip of a knife grinding itself under your knee cap. Now pair that with a deep, near crippling ache and that's what I experience. You know I'm in a lot of pain when I finally complain. I have a very impressive tollerance and rarely if ever whine about pain.

I would seriously give my left tit to find a doctor that could finally give me some answers. The working out and weight training is helping but I have days like today where I'm in so much pain the most I can do is curl up in a hot bath and try my hardest to manage things. Which isn't easy given pain killers don't work on me. 20 years I've dealt with chronic pain that seriously impacts my life, 20 bloody years with no answers. WTH?!

I hate being sick. =( I can't sleep due to freaky body temperatures. One moment I'm so cold I'm shivering and breaking out into a cold sweat, the next I'm burning up. My head hurts, body aches, I've coughed my already sore throat raw, headache. I'd almost say this is more of a flue but the nausea passed after the first day. Still zero appetite. I think I've eaten half a meal in the past 4 days. All I want is lots of liquids, lots of fruit, maybe a slice of bread. Ugh.

I'm going to turn on the Tele, try my hand at the waterfall scarf knitting project again and just try to relax. I really want to make this beret but I don't have the proper needles nor do I have any bulky yarn.

Nerdfest 2009

I got my Con cherry popped this weekend. I never saw the appeal until now. Man it was FUN!

We went to Gallifrey. It's this huge Doctor Who convention. Someone said it's like summer camp for adults, it really is. You gather several thousand insane Doctor Who fans together in one hotel, throw in A LOT of alcohol and you've got a great couple of days.

It was eventful. Both good and bad things happened. This is rather typical when you get a large group of adults together. Life is always an adventure for me when I do bother to crawl out of my shy shell. I was still painfully shy there and am worried I came off as a bit of a bitch to the awesome people I met. I know I was a stark contrast compared to my very outgoing boyfriend and my very flirty and bouncy friend. I guess I felt a bit out of my element. Hopefully next year I'll be a bit more me.

Thursday was rather calm. We met up with some over seas friends. Drank a bit, got to meet a ton of people. Went home that night since the boyfriend needed to go to work. Friday we headed down there at around 7, hoping to skip most of the crazy traffic on the 405. Rain + rush hour traffic will make a 20 minute commute closer to 3 hours. That night was pretty nuts. LOTS of free flowing alcohol. A life sized Dalek sang "It's a Wonderful Life". I just about pissed myself squeeling when that thing came in. Hopefully I'll get the video from a friend so I can post it up. I had no idea I was that much of a Doctor Who fan. There were several room parties that we hit up. We got to meet some of the cast of Doctor Who and Torchwood. =D My flirty friend went around vibrating everyone with her sonic vibrator.

Friday was a bit more calm, at least for me. I got very little sleep the night prior and wasn't feeling the whole, drink until your liver commits suicide thing. When I encounter a new group of people, I tend to watch myself and won't let myself go beyond slightly buzzed no matter how drunk people are around me. Well, I ended up taking a few hits and passing out in the bedroom while everyone went off and partied until their liver screamed for mercy. Then told it to tough it out and took several more shots. I was told that was the best night. I'm a bit bummed I missed out on things but there will always be next year. The boyfriend came in around 5, so drunk he was in his blacked out status. Needless to say he woke up the next day hating himself. I think he's still a bit hung over.

The Good:

• The people! Some of the nicest, warmest individuals I have met. It's a very touchy feely crowd but it's in such a manner that it isn't threatening. We got to socialize with a ton of Brits. I ADORE their sense of humor. Very unique gathering of people. Most were long time members of this con so there was already groups formed. Me being the way I am, I won't barge into a new group so I spent most of the nights along the edges of crowds, observing. I did find you can't really be alone for long until someone approaches you. So I wasn't lonely for long. Normally I tend to follow someone around but that got very old as my friend and boyfriend are both social butterflies not staying in group for longer than a few minutes. I quickly gave up and simply stood along the sidelines. Sometimes I really, REALLY hate how shy I am.
• The people that run this con. This was a mixture of good and bad but they're amazing. Very quick to respond, very understanding and protective. I'm considering volunteering next year due to my experience alone.

The Bad:

• As with any very large gathering, you'll end up with a few assholes. Sadly, I tend to attract them like bees to honey. I don't even consider myself that attractive, I'm painfully quiet (it's just my nature, I honestly am not a big talker), I don't flirt unless I'm comfy/drunk, etc. But, no matter what, I attract them. My friend and I somehow aquired a stalker over the course of the Convention. He talked her into letting him buy her a drink and began outright requesting sexual favors in return. At one point she tried getting away from him claiming she needed to go to her boyfriend when he physically restrained her, refusing to let her leave his side. He eventually saw us together and began demanding that we go up to his hotel room so he can film her and I having sex. Throughout the rest of the Convention, he followed us around, made really gross, out of line comments, kept trying to catch our eye. Not cool at all. At Fridays party I met this really sweet girl so I naturally warned her about him. My friend and I can handle ourselves. We aren't idiots and if pushed far enough we will get violent. Knowing what an ass this man is, we tried letting the younger girls know about him. This girl volunteered with OPS which is the security
  
  Eventually, we were tracked down by this group and asked to report him. So we informed them of what he did. Once we showed them a photo of this man and told them about him stalking us, him restraining my friend and him trying to get us up to his room, they sent out a hunt for him. Found him literally within minutes. Had us point him out in such a manner that he won't know who turned him in and hauled his ass out of the hotel, banning him from Gally for good. We also had to file a security report.
  
  I am so impressed with how well they handled this. I can't stand knowing that these types of assholes are at these conventions, likely targeting young girls with low self confidence in hopes to take advantage of them. It sickens me. Over 60% of the people attending Gally are young, underaged kids flying in from small towns. We didn't even think of reporting him as, in the past when you report an asshole like this, you're told to shut the hell up, deal with it and the finger is pointed at you. As though it's your fault for owning a pair of tits and "teasing" the men by simply walking past them. So it never occured to us to report him.
  
  I have never been so impressed by a group of volunteers. I love how they really look out for the people. It's really refreshing.
• The boy ended up making one of those young, sheltered girls uncomfy in ways neither of us fully understand. She got a bit drunk and let my boyfriend give her a head massage. Somehow, that was enough to make her seriously regret things the next day. We tried asking her, tried appologizing but she kept giving us the cold shoulder. I know everyone has different bounderies but we both wish she would have told us. He was perfectly in line, I was right there with him. It makes me wonder how she handled the rest of the convention since, what the boy was doing was actually tame. Like I said, very touchy feely crowd. Poor girl.

Fun times regardless of the few problems. We're going next year. If anything to see the all the awesome people we met.

Old tale post......

I guess this message comes from a heart broken daughter. Half drunk and half stoned. You'd be happy, proud I'd dare say. I remember you coming into my room as I took a few hits, taking a deep breath with a silly smile on your face, you loved the smell. I remember you bitching about how medicinal pot never gave you that good old punch you remembered. Why did you never smoke out with me knowing you would never get caught? All you did was get a contact high. I feel cheated never knowing how you were high, or ever drunk, dad. How would you feel knowing your kid has 2 closets set up for weed and plans on getting the license asap? How would you feel knowing she smokes on a daily basis? Probably proud, giving the hippy you were. And given our pot head family, whom I love and adore. I'm nothing compared to them, sadly.

So here I sit, stoned, drunk, bored. Just another night right? My plants are safe and sound and I'm using my stash for medicinal only as I am one of few that needs it. Not one of the few that wants it. Dad, if anything, would be proud. Deep down, I'm a bloody hippy. No way around that and no reason to deny it. Fuck all who says otherwise.

Nights like this I think it's a good thing my father passed away before I became an adult. He didn't have to see my struggles. My treatment outside of suburbia life. Just how hard it is “in real life.” Gods knows theres a reason why I've thought “hey, if I show my titties, I'd make bank!” I mean, 34E?! They'd get good money, right?! And with my white girl, yet black girl ass?! More money there babies! Really, 43” inches of pure bubble butt, with no problems. Come on guys?! It's begging for anal right? There's a reason why I've considered web cams when I loose a good 30 pounds. And fuck you all saying we need more “real womans bodies” out there. This tummy, is not a womans body.

I hate the fact my father died but I'm thankful he never saw this phase. Of getting jobs, then loosing them. Of freelance, then struggle. Of stressing over rent, then nothing. Of considering the sex industry just to make ends meet. On the other hand, people say the wrong parent died. I could never say this. Yes, my mom is a bitch, but I love her. Yes, I know my rent would be paid for now. I wouldn't starve. My father would stand by me. And I hate it ever minute of my life knowing this. But my mother, as much of a bitch she is, I could never turn my back on her. And I hate it more than knowing my own father is dead and will never see my success. That alone, tears me up inside.

God how I hate nights like this.

Return of the Demon Cat

My tuxedo, as seen above, is entering another one of his asshole phases. Not as much as it was when we were living with other people but, he's still pissing me off. He's rediscovered his lungs. He has one hell of a set of lungs on him and he seems to adore hearing his own voice. For some reason, over the past week he's decided later at night that he simply must go into our bedroom (the room with the most echo of course) and howl at the tops of his lungs, nonstop. Not the best sound in the world. I really do not like vocal cats.

I've been upping my workout to an hour a day this past week. 30 minutes of cardio, later in the day 30 minutes of weight training. I know this might be overkill but I am simply not happy with things and, with the way I'm eating I'm thinking an hour might be better. I HAVE lost inches and gone from a size 14 to a size 12, but for some odd reason I've gained 3 pounds in the past 3 months?! What the?! I'm hoping that's just muscle and not fat because people are saying it looks as though I'm loosing weight. I KNOW I've lost weight as my jeans, freshly washed, slip right off my hips now buttoned up. Baggy and very unflattering now. I'm trying not to fixate on the the weight as I'm weight training, muscle weighs more. I don't want to end up looking like a rail thin, fragile flower of a female. When I was just doing cardio, I was loosing 2 pounds a week. Add weight training and I'm loosing inches but the number on the scale is now higher.

I blame girl time!! Bloating and general ickyness. I hate being female.

I should set up a website: Help the fat girl loose weight, donate to her cause!! :P Seriously, I wish I could be on a healthier diet right now. I miss my mostly raw diet, my sushi, but my stupid ass is unemployed. I'm still refusing to resort to ramen and fast food and pizza as staple items. That's how I gained this weight in the first place.

Ok, I've got a million and one things to do today. Never enough hours. Time to turn on some music and focus on the tasks at hand.

AMAZING, to die for chicken recipe

I think it's safe to say that I have perfected my chicken recipe. Meat so moist it falls off the bone and it's packed full of flavor with crisp, addicting skin that makes your mouth water just looking at it. Seriously, I have never had a chicken taste this good. It's a bit involved, but it's spread out over two days and SO well worth the little bit of extra effort.

Again, excuse the lack of measurements but I cook by feeling.


Brine:
Cold water
Lots of salt
Various herbs. I use rosemary, basil, thyme, lots of garlic, etc.
Brown sugar/some alcoholic drink that's sweet.

Cooking:
Poultry herbs
Salt
Pepper
Lots o garlic
a few pats of butter
EVOO

Mix brine, rinse off bird, stick bird in brine and let soak over night. Another thing to do is get a flavor injector and inject it with sweet white wine too. This tenderizes the fibers even further. Drink the remaining wine as a reward for cooking. ;)

Remove bird the morning you plan to cook it and rinse. Poke small holes in the skin and rub down with salt. Place in fridge uncovered. Turn halfway through the day. This allows the skin to dry out.

When you're ready, grab a beer, needs to be a can, drink half. ;) Spread oil, salt and pepper in the cavity of the bird. Massage bird with olive oil, salt, pepper and any herbs you wish. OR, if you have the cash grab one of those poultry fresh herb mixes from a grocery store, throw that in a food processor with lots of garlic, salt, pepper and olive oil to make an amazing, do die for rub. Carefully separate as much of the skin from the meat as possible. I then stick bits of chopped up garlic and pats of butter between the skin of the bird and the meat. Gracefully shove that can up the birds ass and sit it upright in the oven.

For the first 20 minutes, cook the bird at 400. Then drop the temperature to 350 and roast for an hour and a half, or until the juices run clear and the deepest section of the meat is no longer pink. Make sure to baste with the juices as often as possible. Balsamic vinegar is also AMAZING to baste with. :)

Don't expect left overs. ;)