Long time!

I know, I know, I keep far too busy.

Someone mentioned I should start up a beer blog soon. Oh that's tempting! I've tried well over 300 beers within the past few years (keeping track during my travel across country in 2006 was near impossible). Honestly, I just started keeping track and I'm nearing 40 within the past 4 months and we've cut back on our beer bar trips due to funds. It would be a fun thing to do on the side. Who knows, if I do the SEO well enough, it might even get me free tickets to things like the Great American Beer Festival! Maybe a cooking + beer blog? :)

I should consider developing a layout, in fact maybe I'll do that tonight. I technically have to develop a layout for my DreamWeaver class (which I'm falling behind on, funny what happens when my classes bore me to tears) plus it would give me experience with WordPress, which is fairly in demand.

I managed to make it out to the Rally to Restore Sanity in Los Angeles this past Saturday. It was my first proper political rally, if you could even call it that. I'm really enjoying forcing myself to go out of my element, to experience new things, new crowds, new people. There's still a part of me that wants to back out last minute due to fear of the unknown. Life has taken such a huge change recently that I've finally realized that the worst thing that can happen is that I simply discover these kinds of events aren't for me. I might be bored. I might get annoyed with the crowd. If I don't like it, I don't have to do it again.

It's pretty empowering, nerve wracking at the same time though, I'll admit.

Back to the Rally. We got there a bit later than planned. There was a very decent turnout. I saw plenty of Redditors gathered in clusters. I was, of course, a bit too shy to say hello as I'm not that active on that community. I lurk more often than not. After the live feed, a zombie flash mob took over things for a few moments. It made me realize how much I adore living in larger cities. I may gripe about Los Angeles, but having traveled, I know that it's a better choice than living in a small town. There were plenty of people with nonsensical signs. Thankfully everyone seemed very calm and respectful, a major goal for the rally to begin with. They kept the alcohol and weed at home, everyone seemed to clean up after themselves and regardless of varying opinions on some matters, people kept the arguments and rude words to themselves.

The attendance at the DC rally blew me away. The final estimate is around 250K. I'd say the rally was without a doubt a success and in my own oh so humble opinion, an example of a proper grassroots movement. Not the utter nonsense that is so associated with the Tea Party movement! I've been wearing my "Yes on 19!" sticker that I got from one of the attendees since. I just wish it was a pin so I could stick it on my backpack. I kind of regret not purchasing a few of the silly pins that were being sold there.

I wasn't able to get any photos since the boyfriend used my camera last and forgot to turn it off, I realized the morning of that my batteries were dead.

Tomorrow is elections day! Whatever you decide to vote on, get off your lazy butts and vote! It's one thing complaining about the state of affairs, it's another thing entirely doing something about it.

Busy, insanely so

I should be studying but I'm finding it next to impossible to focus on the exercises right now. I just want to veg a bit, is that really too much to ask?

Insanity. I love how my life is never boring, how it can go from lazy, but still oddly interesting to holy crap busy in about a few split seconds. The boy says that I'm too black and white. It's either insane intensity, or nothing. Maybe that's the case but it's the pattern my life has followed for as long as I can remember. Is it self imposed? Probably...

I'm working now. It's a part time job for this small web development company. A step in the right direction, without a doubt. I know if I managed to land another fashion job, which is next to impossible in this economy, I couldn't possibly do school at the same time, which is my top priority right now. I honestly can't do fashion any more. I was hired on as their office girl (which will no doubt help should I be faced with needing to look for another so called normal job) and have quickly become their office girl/graphics girl/IT goddess. So the "casual" job that I was told about, where I was promised time to study has become so busy I don't really have the time to eat. I'm working closer to full time now as well. I'm not complaining. I like my job, I like the people I work for, I prefer to be kept busy, and I'm glad their business is suddenly booming in such a bad economy. It's just taking a bit of an adjustment period for me.

I think I'm going through a weird case of growing pains. I'm trying to balance school, work, my relationship, what flicker of a social life I have, hobbies, trying to get use to the idea of stringing money together and trying to get my health finally sorted out. I'm finding I really don't have time for myself. I can't seem to squeeze in time to cook a proper meal, I can't find the time to go to the gym (which I feel horribly guilty about, that's $30 a month down the drain...), forget reading, sewing or drawing and I know the boy is missing me as well.

Of course the stark contrast between what we both have to deal with really isn't helping. I'm running all day long. Don't really have a moment to myself. If I get off work on time, I'm back home either cooking lunch or studying before I have to run off to class. He.... isn't doing much at all. He doesn't have homework, sleeps in, plays video games all day. He cleaned up last week but not as much as I had hoped for and isn't showing any signs of keeping up the routine. If I could just find one free day where we can finish the apartment together and try keeping the place looking nice, I'd be happy. I guess we're going through growing pains as well but that's expected.

I think I'm just feeling spread far too thin. I'm prone to taking on too much to begin with. If I'm not making much money then I try to pick up the pace in other areas. Yes, I'm one of those females who prefers to be the breadwinner, the gender roles in all of my relationships have always been flipped. My mother keeps saying I'm far too much like my father and he practically worked himself to death. When I was unemployed for that full year, I was teaching myself new cooking techniques in hopes to save us money, working on my art, trying to sort out school details (which apparently takes a lot more time and effort when you already have a degree), pushing for commissions, etc. Part of me, deep down, still feels like I should be doing more to pull my weight, so to speak.

I know a lot of people would (and have) told me to calm down, relax, take a breather but I'm not good at that. Black and white, remember? I think most of it boils down to me not exactly being very good at asking for help when I really need it. 2007 and 2009 were really humbling for me. For once in my life I learned what family really means, I had my close family and extended family (including what I consider to be in-laws, I truly am blessed with who is in my life) take me in, show me so much kindness that I really don't know if I'll ever be able to repay them. I've had friends go above and beyond the call of duty. Would I do the same if I had the resources? In a heartbeat. I think that's why I made the mistake of taking in that one individual I thought was a friend when she needed it. It still bothers me simply asking my partner to please pick up while I'm at work, in class or trying to keep up on homework. Maybe it boils down to me being a bit of a control freak, maybe it's just the way I was raised.

I still wonder how different things would be if my father were still alive. After I moved out my mother decided that was it. No more help regardless of me going without food or facing the possibility of eviction. I was cut off completely at 22. Would my father be more understanding? Would he trust I'd fork over the remaining rent I needed to borrow to avoid homelessness? Would he have helped out when I broke my ankle? Deep down I can't help but think that he would. I saw how he was raised after living with his side of the family in 2007. I've seen my relatives help out their family members when things were hard. In fact I think my brother and I are the only people in my generation that are fully self sufficient. Maybe part of it is that my mother is a bit removed from how difficult it is simply getting by. My father was the bread winner and we were upper middle class. She still has a fair share of money coming in that she seems to blow on useless crap. Me? I'm making less per month than I use to make in a week, my monthly bills are higher than hers, I'm taking out loans so I can go to school and fix whatever shred of a future I may have. Regardless of my rent being dirt cheap and us literally cutting out all luxury items, we still experience panicked months where too many things hit us all at once and we're wondering where we'll get the money to pay rent.

The past few years have been such an eye opening experience for me. I know most women beat themselves up for not getting married at a certain age, starting a family. Me? I'm mostly annoyed that I'm not successful in my original chosen field but looking back on it, I realize I didn't choose fashion for me nor could I predict the economy taking a nose dive. I was clinging to this dream of becoming an artist and fashion seemed like the easiest thing, far more promising than illustration. Which was my real dream. I went into fashion for my family. Huge mistake. I wanted out before I was even done with school but I'm not very good at giving up on something once I've dedicated myself it. Choosing to leave fashion and go into a far more technical field caused one hell of a personal crises that I'm still coping with. I adore computers, I've always been the office IT girl and I'm finding I have a natural gift for coding, but deep down I guess I still hope, one day, to be a well recognized artist. It kinda hurts not having the time or energy to draw, knowing I could be far more skilled than I am now. One can only live on ramen and panic over making rent for so long though, right?

I honestly don't know where I was going with this. I'm too exhausted to think straight right now. In a month my life will get even more chaotic too. I'm taking 2 8 week classes which amounts to 12 units worth of work. It's only 8 weeks though, I can do it. I just hope I find a rhythm, a good routine by then so I can stop feeling like I don't have a moment to breath.

I have experienced what health care is like when you're broke and lack insurance which has been a good thing. It's taken A LOT of research and time but so far it hasn't been half as bad as I expected. I'm finding people are far more understanding than one would expect, that you don't have to waste days in waiting rooms hoping to be seen and if you plan ahead, it won't completely break you. In 2008 I broke my ankle and managed to get it fixed for about $700. The clinic I went to was very understanding and knocked a few big items off of my bill plus gave me a few free visits after hearing what I was going through. Right now I'm going through the process of getting my thyroid checked. The clinic I found gives you a 50% discount on office visits which rounds out to about $15-$25 per visit. The place I got my blood tests done at gives a 70% discount for people without insurance. It still requires saving up but it's far better than some of the nightmares you hear about. Granted, it's nothing like an accident but it's also not as horrible as some make it out to be. I've even found programs offering large discounts on medications. Maybe it helps living in a city where cost of living isn't adjusted for how outragiously expensive it is to live here plus being full of poverty to begin with. Oh Los Angeles, I have a love hate relationship with you.

Everyone is struggling right now. The employed are sadly the minority now and I only know of a very small handful of lucky individuals that aren't living with mom and dad, struggling to make ends meet, wondering where their next meal is coming from. It makes me wonder if my generation is going to have the same, strange, money saving quirks our grandparents have.

I'm rambling now. Maybe I should get to these projects. Or maybe I should just take an evening to myself and try to relax for a change. I could use it.

Whirlwind of stress

Stress has been piling on due to circumstances that are really beyond my control. It's hard for me to cope with but I've learned over the years to roll with the punches and hope for the best. Keep focusing in on the positive life has to offer rather than fixating on the negative. I'm trying to find healthy ways to cope. Creative outlets. Working out whenever I can and keeping active. Although burning this nervous energy off at my gym would be far more productive, finances are stretched thin so we're conserving gas. It's more important that I get to school to sort out loans than it is that I go to the gym right now.

I've been pushing for a lot more commissions, keeping up with my current clients, taking on small projects for friends to keep busy. I need to stay active and keep the creative juices flowing or I will go insane. I have a sewing project that will be finished in about 2 days time plus a knitting project that I've been doing while watching shows with the boy. I still need to get my Etsy shop up and running.

Thankfully school is starting up in mid-February so I'll be kept busy with that. I'm taking Web Development I and a graphics class that's pretty pointless but required. I've been working with Photoshop for 12 years now. I don't really need a beginning photoshop class. But it'll keep me busy (which I need) and it'll be a good refresher course. I've heard students complain about the amount of homework but having worked in fashion for the past 4 years, my production time has gotten pretty fast. Plus I highly doubt it'll be near the amount of work my theatre costume courses assigned me. It will feel good to be back in class again.

I'm still scrambling for a stable job. Part time, even full time as long as they understand I'll likely have night classes I need to attend. I can't stand relying on unemployment. My main concern is my job screwing up any aid I have from school. If that's removed due to a job that still pays just enough for me to get by, I won't be able to afford school on my own. I need out of fashion design and the only way I can see successfully escaping that industry and still securing a good future is by going back to college. I don't really see that industry bouncing back for years anyway.

My anniversary came and went without so much as a nod of acknowledgement. We couldn't afford to do anything, as usual. At least I have someone that I love, that treats me well, to celebrate with, right? We plan to do something, it will just be later on when funds allow.

As we enter a new decade....

I did a serious rehash of the last decade, curious to see how much I've accomplished. Highlights as it's longer than I thought possible:

2000: Graduated high school 6 months early with a 3.80 gpa. Earned an impressive amount of scholarships.

2000: Participated in a fair share of art shows.

2000: Lost my virginity. Yeah I was a bit late. Shut it.

2000: Enrolled at the local JC. Hated it.

2001-2004: Got involved with a man that turned out to be rather abusive but looking back on it, it was a good learning experience for me.

2001: Enrolled at FIDM after receiving the "go to school or pay rent" lecture.

2001: Dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer.

2003: Got my AA in Fashion Design. 3.75 GPA

2003: Accepted to my schools advanced theatre costume program.

2004: Yay, I can now drink legally!!!

2004: Got engaged. Called it off 3 weeks later. He on the other hand continued calling me his future wife.

2004: One and only fashion show. Killed my love of sewing for a good 5 years...

2004: Earned the advanced degree in theatre costume design.

2004: Spent 3 months in Boise, ID where I realized I wasn't happy with my boyfriend at the time of 3 years.

2005: Left the abusive boyfriend.

2005: Met my current partner. :) Clubbing was explored, a social life was finally developed.

2005: My father passed away.... hardest few days of my life.

2005: Moved out, got my first job quickly after. Lost said job 3 months later due to the design team being restructured. Moved in with my boyfriend and his amazing sister.

2006: Got my own own place with my partner. After getting hired on as design director for a t-shirt company.

2007: Lost another gig, decided to travel the country for a year. Idaho, Colorado and Mass.

2008: Came BACK to LA with my tail between my legs, feeling like a screw up. Stayed with a friend for a few months.

2008: The year of the worst jobs I've ever had in my entire life. Wardrobe for a small porn studio and costume designer for a Halloween company.

2009: Hello, year of unemployment...... Thanks recession.

2009: Enrolled in school, again. This time for Web Development.

It's been an exhausting, frustrating, heartbreaking, stressful, panic inducing decade for me. Loosing my father was the hardest thing for me to cope with, but there are times I feel it might have been for the best. At least he didn't have to witness me struggle so much. There were also moments of beauty that balanced out my problems. Graduating college, even though the career that followed has been one of the biggest let downs of my entire life. I discovered who I really am and to be quite frank with you, I LIKE the blunt, in your face, snarky, honest person I've turned into. I met P this decade too. He's been my rock, the one thing that brings me back to reality when panic is beginning to cloud my every thought. He's made those hellish jobs worth it because I know I'd see him and hear is quirky laughter at the end of the day. I'm not even sure we would have met had I taken a different career path. If not, then really dealing with such an abusive industry was worth it.

I usually try my hardest not to think on the should haves, would haves, could haves. If I even allowed myself to entertain those notions, I'd drive myself mad.

I have high hopes for the next decade but I can't help but notice a small black cloud clinging to the edges of my mind. I'm trying my best to ignore it, knowing it's only there due to the stellar pattern the past 5 years has set up. 2008 was shit, 2009 was far worse. Some things I could control and I grew out of those nasty experiences. Some, such as the recession and my industry being in the top five worst industries in this great old nation of ours, is completely out of my control. I'm not going to dwell on the negative though. Life is what you make it, right?

Almost 9 years later, I find myself back in the classroom, studying what I hope is a far more positive path for me, creatively, emotionally and financially. Gods let me tell you, being surrounded by geeks is so nice in comparison to the last experience surrounded by fake fashion students. I'm thinking it might be best to keep my art on the side rather than approaching it from a do or die attitude. I've learned over the years that although I thrive under pressure, pressure to keep a roof over my head and food on my table isn't exactly conductive to creative energies. I need stability before I can start feeling like myself again.

The fact my future is so fuzzy is terrifying for me. Deep down I'm a control freak. Changing industries is too up in the air for me. Then again, fashion wasn't exactly working either. What is it that they say? Doing the same thing, over and over again expecting a different result is a sure sign of insanity. Once my financial aid is sorted, I know a lot of my stress will be lifted. I haven't been this happy in well, likely a decade. Learning and knowing I'm taking my future by the balls is so empowering.

There's honestly not a lot I'd change about my life, when I think about it. My major complaints, I'm trying to fix as we speak. It's a process, but anything in life that's really worth it, you have to work towards. I may not be earning 6 figures. I may be hitting the reset button on my career a bit too late (I know late twenties isn't late but it is for me.... I saw myself doing so much more with my career) but I have an amazing partner, wonderful friends and a great family. My apartment is pretty damn cheap, for LA that is, I have 2 adorable, loving, cuddly kitties and I can still buy the rare trinket here and there even as a student. I need to remind myself this any time I go into a self hate phase. I have things money and status could never get.

In the end, I am pretty damn lucky.

---Goals for 2010---

• Get my bloody financial aid finally sorted! I've been approved but more documents are needed.
• Dedicate myself to school, 100%. But no repeating the insanity inducing intensity of FIDM.
• Get my fitness back on track. Cardio that's knee happy for 5 days a week, weight training 3 days a week. 25 pounds lost? Maybe 30? Somewhere around a size 5 ideally.
• Diet.... transition over to a Mediterranean pescitartian. Again. Holidays screwed this up.
• Sketch daily, even if it's doodling while watching TV.
• Continue writing daily but add a food and exercise log as well.
• Do NOT back track and start thinking size 0 is a great idea.....
• Finally celebrate my damn anniversary with the boy. It's needed after the past year we've had.
• Birthday Present to myself- be in the best shape I've ever been in my entire life.
• After achieving weight loss goals, begin working on my wardrobe. Sew up a new outfit at least once a month should funds allow.

Inspiration, how I've missed thee

First off, changes that have happened:
1) I got the license to buy and grow MMJ. Sadly the first batch I bought, that was suggested for insomnia, doesn't work. It's got a nice lemon taste and gives you a very subtle, laid back high that doesn't make you want to eat your entire kitchen. It doesn't make me pass out though, so I'm back at my, not sleeping until 7 or 8am routine. *sighs* I need to pick up some new stuff. Maybe next time I should make it clear that I'm not a recreational smoker and that I have crippling insomnia rather than simply saying "I need help sleeping".
2) I met up with a college to discuss my options on Thursday. After looking over their classes, I've realized that they aren't offering what I'm looking for. A shame since the school is a 40 minute walk from my apartment. I'll likely start off there, take care of the few gen ed classes I need (which is like, 2, the rest transfered!) then transfer to possibly DeVry or ITT. I need to do the research still. Applied to FASFA. Since they asked for my '07 tax returns, things seem pretty positive. '07, I was unemployed literally all year. Damnit I plan to milk the govt for all it's worth! After spring break I'll be making an appointment with the finanical aid office to further discussion my options since my ass is unemployed.


Onto creativity!!
I've been bursting with inspiration after seeing Lucent Dossier at the Edison last Wednesday. So naturally I've been glued to my sewing machine and to my sketch book. I'm currently working on my first full on, as correct as possible 1947 outfit. =D I started and nearly finished the blazer today. Tomorrow my mother is dropping off a bunch of white linen and silk so I can figure out which has the best drape. I'll be dying it myself, natural fibers take dye beautifully and this will remove the stress of finding just the right shade by mixing the dye myself.

The Pattern:
Because I'm too lazy to draft anything out. :P


Colors:
The blazer is this brocade with a black silk velvet collar. The color isn't even close to what it actually is. It's a really nice plum brocade. Naturally this is the wrong side of the fabric....

I'm thinking of making the dress in either a dusty mauve or a dusty sage green with black details. It also has a belt that I hope to use a bronze buckle on.

The hat will be black with a bronze ribbon to further repeat the colors. =D

Button:
The blazer has one single button. I chose bronze and will weave bronze into the rest of the outfit.
Shoes:
Want!

Stockings:
Cuban heels. Couldn't be more classic.....

Hat:
Can't have a vintage inspired outfit without a hat! I'm mostly pulled towards #2, but #3 would be ideal given I will be wearing this outfit out in the sun. It's for my brothers biggest mistake ever. His wedding. Which means sun. No sunburn please! Of course I plan to also use a snood to contain my hair.



Final Touches:
Ideally I would add wrist length gloves and some bronze jewelry to pull everything together and polish everything off, but I'm not too sure funds will allow for these final details. Hopefully they will!

So this is what I've been keeping myself occupied with. I've finished off a pencil skirt that has a very drastic flair below the butt in black wool and my under the bust corset is almost finished as well. It's all been sewing and prepping for school. I've been a moody twat but at least my inspiration and creativity is flowing rather freely.

I need to clean up the clothing in this room but I really don't want to... *sighs* I hate the fact I'm the only one home right now and I'm the one being given a list of chores while the boyfriend is at work (poor thing) and the roommate is off at the horse tracks. Grrrrrrr.

Been busy

How I've been keeping busy I don't really know but it seems to happen when you're unemployed.

Saturday was spent at a photo shoot modeling with a friend. The above photo is a sample of the type of work that was done. It was the most fun I've had in a long time. The photographer approached it from a very light, fun direction, not really planning on getting any portfolio work out of it. Ironically enough, he thinks he got some of the best classical nude photos out of the session. The shots look very soft and romantic, I felt like a No on Prop 8 poster girl. ;) If you saw a behind the scenes video though you'd find we spent most of the time laughing so hard we were crying.

I was taking a quick look thorough some of the abstract nudes, and it's amazing. With all the fucking around we did, I probably ended up with some of my classiest photos.

Thunderous Queefs + Air Titty Humping = Artistic Beauty

I'll update this as we get more photos. I can't wait to see the outtakes. I bet they're priceless.

I just thought I'd post rather quickly, let everyone know I'm still alive. Right now I'm a bit too exhausted to concentrate on a solid blog. Brain is mush. Spending the past few days on a master resume does that to ya. =P

A new direction, a new life, new hope!

My first computer. The commodore64. <3 Oh I remember those dos prompt, high contrast days....

I have this odd mixture of depression plus hopefulness wandering around in my body right now. I am, without a doubt, depressed. I see the signs. But I'm hopeful and excited as well. It's..... odd.

I spent a good chunk yesterday chatting with one of my best friends. He's one of those guys where you feel blessed beyond words when you stop and think about what your friendship means. He's amazing, any woman that manages to catch him is one HELL of a lucky bitch. A shame I'm taken and would never want to ruin our friendship. =P Seriously though, this man is amazing. He took us in for 6 months when we moved back to LA. He braved the drama without blinking an eye. He's always there to listen to me bitch and rant. We have amazing conversations. He does make me feel like an idiot occasionally but that's only because he's probably the most intelligent guy I know.

Poor guy im'ed me yesterday demanding to know why he was giving me nightmares (a silly myspace comment I left). Naturally, since I've been dealing with helping friends get through some emotional troubles, I launched into this long rant about my life and work and how frustrated I am. I wasn't even aware that such issues were bothering me until a friend gave me a chance to really talk about my life. Now I see why I'm always more than willing to help friends through tough times, it acts as a good distraction for me. After awhile we began bouncing ideas back and forth for my new career. What I want, what I don't want, what would make me happy, etc. My requirements have changed since I graduated high school. Life changing events made me realize what I originally wanted no longer fits with what I want my future to be like, NOW.

When I was a kid, I was all about creativity, art. I didn't want a family, so I was fine with being married to my career, didn't really understand what that whole cost of living thing is. I didn't understand the importance of stability nor did I understand just how subjective things are when it's all design based (clients love it or hate it, boss loves it or hates it no matter how technically good the final outcome is). I didn't understand how much a job that is 100% design would drain all creative juices nor was I aware of the fact that a soley design based job would bore me to tears. So, things have changed. I am ready to say good bye to fashion design but at the same time I'm not too sure I want to leave graphic design behind. I do actually ENJOY graphic design and I am a complete computer nerd. I'm the type that tends to think "oooooooh, what happens if I do... THIS?!" Occasionally I'll kill a computer, or blow up a router but it's this never ending curiousity that I have when it comes to these machines. I was raised with them, I've worked on them for a long time, I ADORE learning about computers.

After about 15 minutes of listening and bouncing ideas back and forth he pitched Web Programming. Now, he's director of IT, he's been doing this for about 6 years. So if anyone knows web programming, it's him. I expressed my fear of failing, since I've somehow got it stuck in my brain only intelligent people can manage and regardless of being a top notch student, on the honor roll my entire life, etc so on and so forth, I've never felt intelligent at all. Maybe it's because I keep company with individuals like him. Maybe it's because it seems like, as I've gotten older, the only way to prove ones intelligence is through debates and those are NOT my style. Maybe it's because my ego has been trampled into the ground over the past 5 years, who knows. He put my fears to rest simply saying it's a new way of thinking, nothing more, that I likely just need a class or two to understand.

Upon further discussion he suggested Flash Programming. This requires both programming knowledge AND graphic design. It's a very well paying nitch market. Web programming will let me build ON my graphic design experience rather than leaving it behind and apparently looks great on a resume in this field. So instead of outright trashing my last oh, 11 years (I've been doing graphics since I was 15, just kind of fell into it and been hooked since), I'm building on it. Giving it new dimension, new meaning. Being that it's both design and programming, it should keep my interest and it won't drain my creative juices like an all design based job.

I'd need to learn some computer languages, HTML (which I have basic knowledge of already), Javascript, CSS and I'd need to decide if I wanted to go the Microsoft ASP.Net route, PHP or free/linux route. I've tried learning a few computer languages, have books on CSS but my brain implodes the moment I try to take it from theory to practice. I'll get it for a split second, then loose it. So I'm hoping all I'd need is a class to remove whatever mental block it is that I have. I'd also want to enroll in some advanced photoshop classes as well as flash and web design. I've been meaning to take some advanced graphic design classes for years anyway. So ironically enough, even with my rough plan, I was heading down the web programming route without even knowing it.

It sounds perfect and upon research, I know it's a well paying, in demand job that has a solid future. Websites aren't going anywhere. I wouldn't be tied to just one city and I don't see why it wouldn't transition over to places like Europe. A degree isn't as much of a big deal since IT is largely self taught and to keep up on technology, most simply pick up a book. What matters most is getting your first job and kicking ass. Plus I'd have to keep up with new technology and new languages meaning a new excuse to learn new skills (and I LOVE learning). It honestly sounds perfect.

So I'm going to be meeting up with a few colleges to discuss my options now and a year down the line. I'm ready to enroll in classes this moment but I don't want them screwing up my unemployment nor do I know how 08 will effect any possible assistance I can get (which I will need). I figure, study web programming, brush up on graphic design, get a really solid back bone set so I can go any direction I want and do whatever my employeer asks of me, then hit the ground running when this economic shit storm passes. I'm seeing this listed in both computer technology and engineering, rarely but sometimes mixed in with graphic design. But most graphic designers (and this is personal experience) tend to focus on the design aspect and rarely, if ever, touch programming. Programmers don't get the graphics aspect. So knowing both and being skilled in both will be a HUGE asset. On top of this, being that my sole backbone to design is ART, I have even more pull than most designers since most come from a design background, not a traditional art background. Trust me, there is a huge difference between the two.

I'm finally seeing my future clearly. I'm seeing a very bright future at that. Of being happy and secure in my job. Of finally having good benefits. Of no longer being creatively drained at the end of the day. No longer having bullshit subjective standards set, of success being "did it blow up? Is it doing it's job? Yes, then there is your black and white proof that I've done MY job". Of no longer living pay check to pay check. And, for once, of not regretting spending the past 5 years as a professional graphic designer for a very lousy, abusive industry.

Life in the future, even if it's oh, 4 years down the line, looks beautiful. =D

Make it go away!

I am so sick right now. I woke up this morning with level 8 pain in my knees. It was on par with breaking my ankle. I was literally in tears. I haven't experienced this level of pain for years. I'm spending today taking it easy, off my feet. I can't aggravate my knees any more than they already are or I won't be able to walk for the next week. I really hope this is simply linked to this cold of doom and not a sign that I'm entering another one of my phases where I can't even hold my own weight without crumbling to the ground due to the intense level of pain that settles under my knee caps. Imagine the tip of a knife grinding itself under your knee cap. Now pair that with a deep, near crippling ache and that's what I experience. You know I'm in a lot of pain when I finally complain. I have a very impressive tollerance and rarely if ever whine about pain.

I would seriously give my left tit to find a doctor that could finally give me some answers. The working out and weight training is helping but I have days like today where I'm in so much pain the most I can do is curl up in a hot bath and try my hardest to manage things. Which isn't easy given pain killers don't work on me. 20 years I've dealt with chronic pain that seriously impacts my life, 20 bloody years with no answers. WTH?!

I hate being sick. =( I can't sleep due to freaky body temperatures. One moment I'm so cold I'm shivering and breaking out into a cold sweat, the next I'm burning up. My head hurts, body aches, I've coughed my already sore throat raw, headache. I'd almost say this is more of a flue but the nausea passed after the first day. Still zero appetite. I think I've eaten half a meal in the past 4 days. All I want is lots of liquids, lots of fruit, maybe a slice of bread. Ugh.

I'm going to turn on the Tele, try my hand at the waterfall scarf knitting project again and just try to relax. I really want to make this beret but I don't have the proper needles nor do I have any bulky yarn.

Nerdfest 2009

I got my Con cherry popped this weekend. I never saw the appeal until now. Man it was FUN!

We went to Gallifrey. It's this huge Doctor Who convention. Someone said it's like summer camp for adults, it really is. You gather several thousand insane Doctor Who fans together in one hotel, throw in A LOT of alcohol and you've got a great couple of days.

It was eventful. Both good and bad things happened. This is rather typical when you get a large group of adults together. Life is always an adventure for me when I do bother to crawl out of my shy shell. I was still painfully shy there and am worried I came off as a bit of a bitch to the awesome people I met. I know I was a stark contrast compared to my very outgoing boyfriend and my very flirty and bouncy friend. I guess I felt a bit out of my element. Hopefully next year I'll be a bit more me.

Thursday was rather calm. We met up with some over seas friends. Drank a bit, got to meet a ton of people. Went home that night since the boyfriend needed to go to work. Friday we headed down there at around 7, hoping to skip most of the crazy traffic on the 405. Rain + rush hour traffic will make a 20 minute commute closer to 3 hours. That night was pretty nuts. LOTS of free flowing alcohol. A life sized Dalek sang "It's a Wonderful Life". I just about pissed myself squeeling when that thing came in. Hopefully I'll get the video from a friend so I can post it up. I had no idea I was that much of a Doctor Who fan. There were several room parties that we hit up. We got to meet some of the cast of Doctor Who and Torchwood. =D My flirty friend went around vibrating everyone with her sonic vibrator.

Friday was a bit more calm, at least for me. I got very little sleep the night prior and wasn't feeling the whole, drink until your liver commits suicide thing. When I encounter a new group of people, I tend to watch myself and won't let myself go beyond slightly buzzed no matter how drunk people are around me. Well, I ended up taking a few hits and passing out in the bedroom while everyone went off and partied until their liver screamed for mercy. Then told it to tough it out and took several more shots. I was told that was the best night. I'm a bit bummed I missed out on things but there will always be next year. The boyfriend came in around 5, so drunk he was in his blacked out status. Needless to say he woke up the next day hating himself. I think he's still a bit hung over.

The Good:

• The people! Some of the nicest, warmest individuals I have met. It's a very touchy feely crowd but it's in such a manner that it isn't threatening. We got to socialize with a ton of Brits. I ADORE their sense of humor. Very unique gathering of people. Most were long time members of this con so there was already groups formed. Me being the way I am, I won't barge into a new group so I spent most of the nights along the edges of crowds, observing. I did find you can't really be alone for long until someone approaches you. So I wasn't lonely for long. Normally I tend to follow someone around but that got very old as my friend and boyfriend are both social butterflies not staying in group for longer than a few minutes. I quickly gave up and simply stood along the sidelines. Sometimes I really, REALLY hate how shy I am.
• The people that run this con. This was a mixture of good and bad but they're amazing. Very quick to respond, very understanding and protective. I'm considering volunteering next year due to my experience alone.

The Bad:

• As with any very large gathering, you'll end up with a few assholes. Sadly, I tend to attract them like bees to honey. I don't even consider myself that attractive, I'm painfully quiet (it's just my nature, I honestly am not a big talker), I don't flirt unless I'm comfy/drunk, etc. But, no matter what, I attract them. My friend and I somehow aquired a stalker over the course of the Convention. He talked her into letting him buy her a drink and began outright requesting sexual favors in return. At one point she tried getting away from him claiming she needed to go to her boyfriend when he physically restrained her, refusing to let her leave his side. He eventually saw us together and began demanding that we go up to his hotel room so he can film her and I having sex. Throughout the rest of the Convention, he followed us around, made really gross, out of line comments, kept trying to catch our eye. Not cool at all. At Fridays party I met this really sweet girl so I naturally warned her about him. My friend and I can handle ourselves. We aren't idiots and if pushed far enough we will get violent. Knowing what an ass this man is, we tried letting the younger girls know about him. This girl volunteered with OPS which is the security
  
  Eventually, we were tracked down by this group and asked to report him. So we informed them of what he did. Once we showed them a photo of this man and told them about him stalking us, him restraining my friend and him trying to get us up to his room, they sent out a hunt for him. Found him literally within minutes. Had us point him out in such a manner that he won't know who turned him in and hauled his ass out of the hotel, banning him from Gally for good. We also had to file a security report.
  
  I am so impressed with how well they handled this. I can't stand knowing that these types of assholes are at these conventions, likely targeting young girls with low self confidence in hopes to take advantage of them. It sickens me. Over 60% of the people attending Gally are young, underaged kids flying in from small towns. We didn't even think of reporting him as, in the past when you report an asshole like this, you're told to shut the hell up, deal with it and the finger is pointed at you. As though it's your fault for owning a pair of tits and "teasing" the men by simply walking past them. So it never occured to us to report him.
  
  I have never been so impressed by a group of volunteers. I love how they really look out for the people. It's really refreshing.
• The boy ended up making one of those young, sheltered girls uncomfy in ways neither of us fully understand. She got a bit drunk and let my boyfriend give her a head massage. Somehow, that was enough to make her seriously regret things the next day. We tried asking her, tried appologizing but she kept giving us the cold shoulder. I know everyone has different bounderies but we both wish she would have told us. He was perfectly in line, I was right there with him. It makes me wonder how she handled the rest of the convention since, what the boy was doing was actually tame. Like I said, very touchy feely crowd. Poor girl.

Fun times regardless of the few problems. We're going next year. If anything to see the all the awesome people we met.

Old tale post......

I guess this message comes from a heart broken daughter. Half drunk and half stoned. You'd be happy, proud I'd dare say. I remember you coming into my room as I took a few hits, taking a deep breath with a silly smile on your face, you loved the smell. I remember you bitching about how medicinal pot never gave you that good old punch you remembered. Why did you never smoke out with me knowing you would never get caught? All you did was get a contact high. I feel cheated never knowing how you were high, or ever drunk, dad. How would you feel knowing your kid has 2 closets set up for weed and plans on getting the license asap? How would you feel knowing she smokes on a daily basis? Probably proud, giving the hippy you were. And given our pot head family, whom I love and adore. I'm nothing compared to them, sadly.

So here I sit, stoned, drunk, bored. Just another night right? My plants are safe and sound and I'm using my stash for medicinal only as I am one of few that needs it. Not one of the few that wants it. Dad, if anything, would be proud. Deep down, I'm a bloody hippy. No way around that and no reason to deny it. Fuck all who says otherwise.

Nights like this I think it's a good thing my father passed away before I became an adult. He didn't have to see my struggles. My treatment outside of suburbia life. Just how hard it is “in real life.” Gods knows theres a reason why I've thought “hey, if I show my titties, I'd make bank!” I mean, 34E?! They'd get good money, right?! And with my white girl, yet black girl ass?! More money there babies! Really, 43” inches of pure bubble butt, with no problems. Come on guys?! It's begging for anal right? There's a reason why I've considered web cams when I loose a good 30 pounds. And fuck you all saying we need more “real womans bodies” out there. This tummy, is not a womans body.

I hate the fact my father died but I'm thankful he never saw this phase. Of getting jobs, then loosing them. Of freelance, then struggle. Of stressing over rent, then nothing. Of considering the sex industry just to make ends meet. On the other hand, people say the wrong parent died. I could never say this. Yes, my mom is a bitch, but I love her. Yes, I know my rent would be paid for now. I wouldn't starve. My father would stand by me. And I hate it ever minute of my life knowing this. But my mother, as much of a bitch she is, I could never turn my back on her. And I hate it more than knowing my own father is dead and will never see my success. That alone, tears me up inside.

God how I hate nights like this.