I should be studying but I'm finding it next to impossible to focus on the exercises right now. I just want to veg a bit, is that really too much to ask?
Insanity. I love how my life is never boring, how it can go from lazy, but still oddly interesting to holy crap busy in about a few split seconds. The boy says that I'm too black and white. It's either insane intensity, or nothing. Maybe that's the case but it's the pattern my life has followed for as long as I can remember. Is it self imposed? Probably...
I'm working now. It's a part time job for this small web development company. A step in the right direction, without a doubt. I know if I managed to land another fashion job, which is next to impossible in this economy, I couldn't possibly do school at the same time, which is my top priority right now. I honestly can't do fashion any more. I was hired on as their office girl (which will no doubt help should I be faced with needing to look for another so called normal job) and have quickly become their office girl/graphics girl/IT goddess. So the "casual" job that I was told about, where I was promised time to study has become so busy I don't really have the time to eat. I'm working closer to full time now as well. I'm not complaining. I like my job, I like the people I work for, I prefer to be kept busy, and I'm glad their business is suddenly booming in such a bad economy. It's just taking a bit of an adjustment period for me.
I think I'm going through a weird case of growing pains. I'm trying to balance school, work, my relationship, what flicker of a social life I have, hobbies, trying to get use to the idea of stringing money together and trying to get my health finally sorted out. I'm finding I really don't have time for myself. I can't seem to squeeze in time to cook a proper meal, I can't find the time to go to the gym (which I feel horribly guilty about, that's $30 a month down the drain...), forget reading, sewing or drawing and I know the boy is missing me as well.
Of course the stark contrast between what we both have to deal with really isn't helping. I'm running all day long. Don't really have a moment to myself. If I get off work on time, I'm back home either cooking lunch or studying before I have to run off to class. He.... isn't doing much at all. He doesn't have homework, sleeps in, plays video games all day. He cleaned up last week but not as much as I had hoped for and isn't showing any signs of keeping up the routine. If I could just find one free day where we can finish the apartment together and try keeping the place looking nice, I'd be happy. I guess we're going through growing pains as well but that's expected.
I think I'm just feeling spread far too thin. I'm prone to taking on too much to begin with. If I'm not making much money then I try to pick up the pace in other areas. Yes, I'm one of those females who prefers to be the breadwinner, the gender roles in all of my relationships have always been flipped. My mother keeps saying I'm far too much like my father and he practically worked himself to death. When I was unemployed for that full year, I was teaching myself new cooking techniques in hopes to save us money, working on my art, trying to sort out school details (which apparently takes a lot more time and effort when you already have a degree), pushing for commissions, etc. Part of me, deep down, still feels like I should be doing more to pull my weight, so to speak.
I know a lot of people would (and have) told me to calm down, relax, take a breather but I'm not good at that. Black and white, remember? I think most of it boils down to me not exactly being very good at asking for help when I really need it. 2007 and 2009 were really humbling for me. For once in my life I learned what family really means, I had my close family and extended family (including what I consider to be in-laws, I truly am blessed with who is in my life) take me in, show me so much kindness that I really don't know if I'll ever be able to repay them. I've had friends go above and beyond the call of duty. Would I do the same if I had the resources? In a heartbeat. I think that's why I made the mistake of taking in that one individual I thought was a friend when she needed it. It still bothers me simply asking my partner to please pick up while I'm at work, in class or trying to keep up on homework. Maybe it boils down to me being a bit of a control freak, maybe it's just the way I was raised.
I still wonder how different things would be if my father were still alive. After I moved out my mother decided that was it. No more help regardless of me going without food or facing the possibility of eviction. I was cut off completely at 22. Would my father be more understanding? Would he trust I'd fork over the remaining rent I needed to borrow to avoid homelessness? Would he have helped out when I broke my ankle? Deep down I can't help but think that he would. I saw how he was raised after living with his side of the family in 2007. I've seen my relatives help out their family members when things were hard. In fact I think my brother and I are the only people in my generation that are fully self sufficient. Maybe part of it is that my mother is a bit removed from how difficult it is simply getting by. My father was the bread winner and we were upper middle class. She still has a fair share of money coming in that she seems to blow on useless crap. Me? I'm making less per month than I use to make in a week, my monthly bills are higher than hers, I'm taking out loans so I can go to school and fix whatever shred of a future I may have. Regardless of my rent being dirt cheap and us literally cutting out all luxury items, we still experience panicked months where too many things hit us all at once and we're wondering where we'll get the money to pay rent.
The past few years have been such an eye opening experience for me. I know most women beat themselves up for not getting married at a certain age, starting a family. Me? I'm mostly annoyed that I'm not successful in my original chosen field but looking back on it, I realize I didn't choose fashion for me nor could I predict the economy taking a nose dive. I was clinging to this dream of becoming an artist and fashion seemed like the easiest thing, far more promising than illustration. Which was my real dream. I went into fashion for my family. Huge mistake. I wanted out before I was even done with school but I'm not very good at giving up on something once I've dedicated myself it. Choosing to leave fashion and go into a far more technical field caused one hell of a personal crises that I'm still coping with. I adore computers, I've always been the office IT girl and I'm finding I have a natural gift for coding, but deep down I guess I still hope, one day, to be a well recognized artist. It kinda hurts not having the time or energy to draw, knowing I could be far more skilled than I am now. One can only live on ramen and panic over making rent for so long though, right?
I honestly don't know where I was going with this. I'm too exhausted to think straight right now. In a month my life will get even more chaotic too. I'm taking 2 8 week classes which amounts to 12 units worth of work. It's only 8 weeks though, I can do it. I just hope I find a rhythm, a good routine by then so I can stop feeling like I don't have a moment to breath.
I have experienced what health care is like when you're broke and lack insurance which has been a good thing. It's taken A LOT of research and time but so far it hasn't been half as bad as I expected. I'm finding people are far more understanding than one would expect, that you don't have to waste days in waiting rooms hoping to be seen and if you plan ahead, it won't completely break you. In 2008 I broke my ankle and managed to get it fixed for about $700. The clinic I went to was very understanding and knocked a few big items off of my bill plus gave me a few free visits after hearing what I was going through. Right now I'm going through the process of getting my thyroid checked. The clinic I found gives you a 50% discount on office visits which rounds out to about $15-$25 per visit. The place I got my blood tests done at gives a 70% discount for people without insurance. It still requires saving up but it's far better than some of the nightmares you hear about. Granted, it's nothing like an accident but it's also not as horrible as some make it out to be. I've even found programs offering large discounts on medications. Maybe it helps living in a city where cost of living isn't adjusted for how outragiously expensive it is to live here plus being full of poverty to begin with. Oh Los Angeles, I have a love hate relationship with you.
Everyone is struggling right now. The employed are sadly the minority now and I only know of a very small handful of lucky individuals that aren't living with mom and dad, struggling to make ends meet, wondering where their next meal is coming from. It makes me wonder if my generation is going to have the same, strange, money saving quirks our grandparents have.
I'm rambling now. Maybe I should get to these projects. Or maybe I should just take an evening to myself and try to relax for a change. I could use it.
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