Add me to the ranks of the Unemployed.... again.

Layoffs, the recession finally hit me. As if being unemployed in 07 wasn't enough. My company informed me yesterday that they're phasing out my position. *sighs* You can imagine how thrilled I am to learn this.

It is near impossible dragging my ass into work knowing Friday is my last day. I have zero motivation to do anything. I almost turned the car around a dozen times to head home this morning. My boss did tell me to focus in on the job hunt though so that's exactly what I'm doing. What can they do, fire me!? The designers are prepping for the show so I'm hoping I'll be left alone. I have a feeling not snapping at people if I'm asked too many questions isn't possible. In fact if I am bothered too much I might just tell my boss I can't continue doing this in good health.

I had the nerve wracking experience of having a full on panic attack yesterday. Now I understand why they cause people to rush to the ER. It honestly felt like I was having a heart attack. I made the brilliant decision to drive home after it hit. Please, never do that. If you can, let it pass then get behind the wheel when your mind isn't foggy. That experience is something I hope to never repeat. Once I got home it really hit hard. I'm still exhausted from it. *sighs*

Yesterday was an odd day. I had decided before I was told that wonderful news that I was going to start looking for other jobs. I'm not happy with the atmosphere here nor do I like how they treat their employees. I contacted my old company regarding work and let them know that I'm also open to any full time in house positions if they or anyone they know needs a designer. Then lunch comes around and my now ex boss tells me this great news. So I shoot my old boss from Glima another email letting him know I've been laid off. The owner of the company is out of the country until Friday so I won't get any updates until next week.

I get home and I have a letter from Unemployment insurance sitting in my box. It's from Sept when that damn Porn studio laid me off unexpectedly. I've been approved for near max. benefits. Now I need to contact UI again to update them on things and see if I can max out the benefits with the work I've done here. Why it took them 4 months to process my claim is beyond me, but at least I'm already in the system.

So I'm thinking my plans are this:

* Continue looking for work. Graphic design, fashion, costume, office work, wardrobe, data entry, photography, anything I can get my paws on.
* Pester my worthless head hunters once a week. Drill it into their heads what I'm qualified for and not qualified for so I don't get sent out on gas wasting interviews.
* Contact old coworkers, teachers and college mates for networking.
* IF I'm still unemployed by the time my UI runs out, then enroll in college. I still need to figure out what for. I'm thinking art teacher.

I'm seriously considering teaching art. It's been a goal since I was in high school but it was more of a, down the line kind of thing. One thing that has really bothered me about my current field is I don't feel I'm giving back to the community. All I'm doing is getting money out of people for things they really don't need. I'm against consumerism and here I am adding to it.

If I do choose to leave fashion (and I'm 95% there already), my new career must allow the following:

* I must feel as though I'm giving back to the community some how. This is a big one for me.
* It must not be so crazy insane stressful that every single day leaves me feeling drained, tired and ready to pass out by 7. No more panic attacks because the deadlines are so outrageous and I'm worked so hard that I'm left clinging onto whatever last shred of sanity I have.
* I must have enough creative juices that I can work on my own personal projects a few times a week, even if it's sketching for 15 minutes every couple of days.
* Not huge pay, but fair pay with benefits. I've never been one to aim for a 6 digit yearly earnings. I just need enough to cover bills and have some money left over for play.
* Job security.
* Paid vacations, PLEASE. I've never had these.
* Yearly bonuses.
* Upward mobility of some sort, even if it simply means fair yearly raises.
* Do NOT expect me to be ok with the whole life = work. I will not dedicate my entire life to work. I'm fine with occasional OT and weekend work but when it's expected, it's a no go. I have a social life, a boyfriend and I eventually want a family. My children will not have parents who are never around because their career is more important.

Clearly if I go back to school I'll be approaching it from a different mind frame than when I was fresh out of high school. I know what it's like out there, what I need to be happy in the work place.

I don't know, the whole school thing seems like the best idea. Hide out in college until this recession is over. I just need to do more research. Some sites have suggested a double major to teach art. I'm wondering if my two degrees (fashion and theatre costume design) would help. If I need a BA, then I won't be done with school until I'm 30. Jesus.

Sad to say but if getting married helped me with financial aid, should I decide to do this, I may have to have a serious sit down talk with the SO. It's going to happen with us anyway, that much is clear.

He's handling this beautifully. Instead of stressing out or getting angry at me, he's been so kind and attentative. I can't get over it. I really don't know how I got so lucky.....

Starting new is intimidating.

We moved about a week ago. After couch surfing for a year and 6 months, the reality still hasn't hit. We're starting over new. Meaning all we own is what we could shove into our suit cases and fly back with us. It's really intimidating looking at an empty apartment and realizing there's so much we need to buy. I'm not good at spending money, I hate it. It's needlessly stressing me out. It feels amazing having our own place and the apartment complex is really unique. It's a community, not some building.

Lets Try this again.... Food P0rn- Raw Stuffed Mushroom caps

I tried the whole, 356 days thing but it didn't work out well. I guess starting that while I was couch surfing was asking for failure. I need my own place to let the creativity flow. So, lets try it again. I'm starting this attempt off with food porn. I have a strong love of cooking and will find any excuse to play around in the kitchen. Due to my expanding waistline (damn you standard american diet) my focus is on health and ideally raw foods. So, here's my latest attempt after months of staying out of the kitchen. Mushroom caps stuffed with hummus (not raw but can be made raw if you wish), sun dried tomatos, onions and raw pumpkin seeds. It's been seasoned with hand torn fresh basil, a touch of sea salt, diced garlic, evoo and lime juice. Ideally I'd prefer to heat it up in my dehydrator but the caps are too tall, so I set my oven to the lowest possible setting and cracked the door a bit. Even my meat lover boyfriend really enjoyed these.

Broken Update

The thick black line is exactly where the break is. I also found the illustration to be rather neat. Turns out it IS a break. A very long break caused by one twisting their ankle. I was very impressed with the clinic I went to (a low cost one in Sherman Oaks). The doctors were very kind and pestered me about the skin problems I have. They also answered my questions about my life long knee problems. At the least, I believe I may have found the next doctor to go to regarding my life long quest of getting some answers about my chronic knee pain. The man that put the cast on had some very interesting questions regarding that and a take that I've never encountered yet.

This issue is sapping me of all of my energy. I've been sleeping 15+ hours a day and I still feel exhausted. It's rather like getting over a very bad cold.

It's been a full week since the break and I still can't walk. It hurts far too much. My foot is black and blue and swollen now and at the end of the day the ball of my foot hurts so badly I actually need to reach for pain killers. I'm keeping it elevated all of today to see if this solves that problem....

Which means I should get off this computer since I've exhausted my work hunt for the day. Bummer....

I'm freaking brilliant....

While visiting with a friend a few days back, I managed to step wrong and, as it turns out, I fractured my fibula. I was hoping it was simply a very bad sprain but as the pain levels caused me to spend most of yesterday passed out or vomiting and I realized this morning they are only getting worse, I decided to go into the doctors. The x-rays showed a fractured Fibula above the ankle that's very close to being broken clean through. Awesome. That kind of thing takes some serious talent. :(

I'm going in for the cast in a few. Ugh. 6-8 weeks of crutches. Great. I really hate those things and my bad knee is already telling me how angry it is over this new set up.

Fear of the Unknown

A few nights ago I was playing around with lighting and my lack of a tripod. I was trying to capture a sense of depression, of worry and fear of the unknown. I guess I was just trying to express how I'm currently feeling. I feel this picture captured that atmosphere quite well.

New Years......

I won't lie, I'm glad to see 2007 come to a close. We went to the first official house party since we've moved out of LA. For once I enjoyed myself regardless of slipping into a period of serious shyness. I don't get nervous when I get shy anymore, I guess I've made peace with this aspect of my personality. I just tend to keep to myself and observe those around me. I guess it gives people the wrong ideas but whatever. Met some new people, geeked out on the Wii. I didn't get photos as my batteries were given to the Wii gods. Playing Wario Ware with 10 people is actually a blast. It was a worthy sacrifice as we were rewarded with many laughs and livening up the party.

I may not have reached my goal of NY yet, but I do know that I will be happy in Providence. It isn't failure, it's simply a detour. Now is the scramble to find a "normal" job. God I was hoping I'd avoid that artistic stereotype.

Christmas was well, tolerable given our visitor. I have about $200 in holiday money to spend. I already dropped a mere $30 on my favorite mineral makeup. I'm thinking of spending the rest on MAC and maybe some fabric and patterns for new clothing. I really have no desire to make clothing as I'm at my heaviest (which isn't bad, I'm still several sizes under the average womans size) but, maybe if I make some sexy clothing to highlight my hourglass figure I MIGHT feel better about myself.

My 3rd year anniversary with the boy is also coming up in about a month. I don't know what to do, but I'm thinking I'll throw together a really sexy outfit for the day. :) He hates lingerie, much prefers seeing me in a style that resembles a retro librarian/secretary. So I'm thinking a wool pencil skirt with corset and white button up top highlighting my cleavage, paired with seamed fishnets and retro pumps would floor him. Top that off with smoky eyes, glossy pink lips and a bun. I think he'd really like it. :)

It's a techonogically Savy Holidays

I'm getting a camera for xmas this year. It's a simple one, point and shoot. It's the Canon Powershot A560. It's the best camera you can get for the price. I LOVE SLR's but I can't afford them right now. I just wanted something I can carry with me whenever I'm out. My current camera is awkward. It's a point and shoot, but it's the size of some of the smaller slr's. I really don't understand the point of having a point and shoot that large. At least with the larger SLR's you've got a lot of freedom to tinker with the settings allowing you to get the shot just right. So, for the time being I'll have my little camera to carry with me. =) It should arrive sometime today. Meaning, more photos!!! =D

I'm also getting a new phone. I'm rather being forced to replace my current one. I've had it for about 9 months, maybe a year and it's crapping out on me. I didn't even get to really abuse it, but the internal speaker no longer works, the light on the key pad is shot as well. Samsung makes some pretty bad phones and they make it impossible to use every day items for media. The usb port AND mini sd cards are all Samsung specific. I think I'll stick with Motorola from now on. The boyfriend got an MP3 player and a car sterio. I know it's not that holiday yet but we've been buying things here and there when given the permission.

Good news on the job hunting front. I got a test project for a major halloween company. They're looking for costume designers. =) Hopefully my work blows them away and they hire me. Right now I'm just doing research to figure out what else is out there.

356

Ok I have a feeling this will turn to be more like once a week or a few times a week. Today was another argument with my mother regarding my decision to improve my quality of life and try making it to a city where my industry is actually respected. I wasn't exactly in the mood for a clear photo being that I'm depressed, frustrated, hurt, annoyed, etc.

New Take.... on the objects that make up my daily life

Shit hit the fan with my mother a few days ago, removing any desire of taking any mugshots. So, I tried taking a few photos here and there of things my daily life involves. The above is the only one that includes me. I took this before I got into the huge fight with her. I'm trying to involve subjects that describe who I am moreso than just taking pretty pictures. Here.... is the worst set up invented by man kind for any graphic artist to deal with.

I've been taking photos of the food I'm making, the odd fruits Pete and I happen to buy at the grocery store, my projects, etc. I still need to edit them as I've been a bit busy these past few days.