Long time!

I know, I know, I keep far too busy.

Someone mentioned I should start up a beer blog soon. Oh that's tempting! I've tried well over 300 beers within the past few years (keeping track during my travel across country in 2006 was near impossible). Honestly, I just started keeping track and I'm nearing 40 within the past 4 months and we've cut back on our beer bar trips due to funds. It would be a fun thing to do on the side. Who knows, if I do the SEO well enough, it might even get me free tickets to things like the Great American Beer Festival! Maybe a cooking + beer blog? :)

I should consider developing a layout, in fact maybe I'll do that tonight. I technically have to develop a layout for my DreamWeaver class (which I'm falling behind on, funny what happens when my classes bore me to tears) plus it would give me experience with WordPress, which is fairly in demand.

I managed to make it out to the Rally to Restore Sanity in Los Angeles this past Saturday. It was my first proper political rally, if you could even call it that. I'm really enjoying forcing myself to go out of my element, to experience new things, new crowds, new people. There's still a part of me that wants to back out last minute due to fear of the unknown. Life has taken such a huge change recently that I've finally realized that the worst thing that can happen is that I simply discover these kinds of events aren't for me. I might be bored. I might get annoyed with the crowd. If I don't like it, I don't have to do it again.

It's pretty empowering, nerve wracking at the same time though, I'll admit.

Back to the Rally. We got there a bit later than planned. There was a very decent turnout. I saw plenty of Redditors gathered in clusters. I was, of course, a bit too shy to say hello as I'm not that active on that community. I lurk more often than not. After the live feed, a zombie flash mob took over things for a few moments. It made me realize how much I adore living in larger cities. I may gripe about Los Angeles, but having traveled, I know that it's a better choice than living in a small town. There were plenty of people with nonsensical signs. Thankfully everyone seemed very calm and respectful, a major goal for the rally to begin with. They kept the alcohol and weed at home, everyone seemed to clean up after themselves and regardless of varying opinions on some matters, people kept the arguments and rude words to themselves.

The attendance at the DC rally blew me away. The final estimate is around 250K. I'd say the rally was without a doubt a success and in my own oh so humble opinion, an example of a proper grassroots movement. Not the utter nonsense that is so associated with the Tea Party movement! I've been wearing my "Yes on 19!" sticker that I got from one of the attendees since. I just wish it was a pin so I could stick it on my backpack. I kind of regret not purchasing a few of the silly pins that were being sold there.

I wasn't able to get any photos since the boyfriend used my camera last and forgot to turn it off, I realized the morning of that my batteries were dead.

Tomorrow is elections day! Whatever you decide to vote on, get off your lazy butts and vote! It's one thing complaining about the state of affairs, it's another thing entirely doing something about it.

Busy, insanely so

I should be studying but I'm finding it next to impossible to focus on the exercises right now. I just want to veg a bit, is that really too much to ask?

Insanity. I love how my life is never boring, how it can go from lazy, but still oddly interesting to holy crap busy in about a few split seconds. The boy says that I'm too black and white. It's either insane intensity, or nothing. Maybe that's the case but it's the pattern my life has followed for as long as I can remember. Is it self imposed? Probably...

I'm working now. It's a part time job for this small web development company. A step in the right direction, without a doubt. I know if I managed to land another fashion job, which is next to impossible in this economy, I couldn't possibly do school at the same time, which is my top priority right now. I honestly can't do fashion any more. I was hired on as their office girl (which will no doubt help should I be faced with needing to look for another so called normal job) and have quickly become their office girl/graphics girl/IT goddess. So the "casual" job that I was told about, where I was promised time to study has become so busy I don't really have the time to eat. I'm working closer to full time now as well. I'm not complaining. I like my job, I like the people I work for, I prefer to be kept busy, and I'm glad their business is suddenly booming in such a bad economy. It's just taking a bit of an adjustment period for me.

I think I'm going through a weird case of growing pains. I'm trying to balance school, work, my relationship, what flicker of a social life I have, hobbies, trying to get use to the idea of stringing money together and trying to get my health finally sorted out. I'm finding I really don't have time for myself. I can't seem to squeeze in time to cook a proper meal, I can't find the time to go to the gym (which I feel horribly guilty about, that's $30 a month down the drain...), forget reading, sewing or drawing and I know the boy is missing me as well.

Of course the stark contrast between what we both have to deal with really isn't helping. I'm running all day long. Don't really have a moment to myself. If I get off work on time, I'm back home either cooking lunch or studying before I have to run off to class. He.... isn't doing much at all. He doesn't have homework, sleeps in, plays video games all day. He cleaned up last week but not as much as I had hoped for and isn't showing any signs of keeping up the routine. If I could just find one free day where we can finish the apartment together and try keeping the place looking nice, I'd be happy. I guess we're going through growing pains as well but that's expected.

I think I'm just feeling spread far too thin. I'm prone to taking on too much to begin with. If I'm not making much money then I try to pick up the pace in other areas. Yes, I'm one of those females who prefers to be the breadwinner, the gender roles in all of my relationships have always been flipped. My mother keeps saying I'm far too much like my father and he practically worked himself to death. When I was unemployed for that full year, I was teaching myself new cooking techniques in hopes to save us money, working on my art, trying to sort out school details (which apparently takes a lot more time and effort when you already have a degree), pushing for commissions, etc. Part of me, deep down, still feels like I should be doing more to pull my weight, so to speak.

I know a lot of people would (and have) told me to calm down, relax, take a breather but I'm not good at that. Black and white, remember? I think most of it boils down to me not exactly being very good at asking for help when I really need it. 2007 and 2009 were really humbling for me. For once in my life I learned what family really means, I had my close family and extended family (including what I consider to be in-laws, I truly am blessed with who is in my life) take me in, show me so much kindness that I really don't know if I'll ever be able to repay them. I've had friends go above and beyond the call of duty. Would I do the same if I had the resources? In a heartbeat. I think that's why I made the mistake of taking in that one individual I thought was a friend when she needed it. It still bothers me simply asking my partner to please pick up while I'm at work, in class or trying to keep up on homework. Maybe it boils down to me being a bit of a control freak, maybe it's just the way I was raised.

I still wonder how different things would be if my father were still alive. After I moved out my mother decided that was it. No more help regardless of me going without food or facing the possibility of eviction. I was cut off completely at 22. Would my father be more understanding? Would he trust I'd fork over the remaining rent I needed to borrow to avoid homelessness? Would he have helped out when I broke my ankle? Deep down I can't help but think that he would. I saw how he was raised after living with his side of the family in 2007. I've seen my relatives help out their family members when things were hard. In fact I think my brother and I are the only people in my generation that are fully self sufficient. Maybe part of it is that my mother is a bit removed from how difficult it is simply getting by. My father was the bread winner and we were upper middle class. She still has a fair share of money coming in that she seems to blow on useless crap. Me? I'm making less per month than I use to make in a week, my monthly bills are higher than hers, I'm taking out loans so I can go to school and fix whatever shred of a future I may have. Regardless of my rent being dirt cheap and us literally cutting out all luxury items, we still experience panicked months where too many things hit us all at once and we're wondering where we'll get the money to pay rent.

The past few years have been such an eye opening experience for me. I know most women beat themselves up for not getting married at a certain age, starting a family. Me? I'm mostly annoyed that I'm not successful in my original chosen field but looking back on it, I realize I didn't choose fashion for me nor could I predict the economy taking a nose dive. I was clinging to this dream of becoming an artist and fashion seemed like the easiest thing, far more promising than illustration. Which was my real dream. I went into fashion for my family. Huge mistake. I wanted out before I was even done with school but I'm not very good at giving up on something once I've dedicated myself it. Choosing to leave fashion and go into a far more technical field caused one hell of a personal crises that I'm still coping with. I adore computers, I've always been the office IT girl and I'm finding I have a natural gift for coding, but deep down I guess I still hope, one day, to be a well recognized artist. It kinda hurts not having the time or energy to draw, knowing I could be far more skilled than I am now. One can only live on ramen and panic over making rent for so long though, right?

I honestly don't know where I was going with this. I'm too exhausted to think straight right now. In a month my life will get even more chaotic too. I'm taking 2 8 week classes which amounts to 12 units worth of work. It's only 8 weeks though, I can do it. I just hope I find a rhythm, a good routine by then so I can stop feeling like I don't have a moment to breath.

I have experienced what health care is like when you're broke and lack insurance which has been a good thing. It's taken A LOT of research and time but so far it hasn't been half as bad as I expected. I'm finding people are far more understanding than one would expect, that you don't have to waste days in waiting rooms hoping to be seen and if you plan ahead, it won't completely break you. In 2008 I broke my ankle and managed to get it fixed for about $700. The clinic I went to was very understanding and knocked a few big items off of my bill plus gave me a few free visits after hearing what I was going through. Right now I'm going through the process of getting my thyroid checked. The clinic I found gives you a 50% discount on office visits which rounds out to about $15-$25 per visit. The place I got my blood tests done at gives a 70% discount for people without insurance. It still requires saving up but it's far better than some of the nightmares you hear about. Granted, it's nothing like an accident but it's also not as horrible as some make it out to be. I've even found programs offering large discounts on medications. Maybe it helps living in a city where cost of living isn't adjusted for how outragiously expensive it is to live here plus being full of poverty to begin with. Oh Los Angeles, I have a love hate relationship with you.

Everyone is struggling right now. The employed are sadly the minority now and I only know of a very small handful of lucky individuals that aren't living with mom and dad, struggling to make ends meet, wondering where their next meal is coming from. It makes me wonder if my generation is going to have the same, strange, money saving quirks our grandparents have.

I'm rambling now. Maybe I should get to these projects. Or maybe I should just take an evening to myself and try to relax for a change. I could use it.

Whirlwind of stress

Stress has been piling on due to circumstances that are really beyond my control. It's hard for me to cope with but I've learned over the years to roll with the punches and hope for the best. Keep focusing in on the positive life has to offer rather than fixating on the negative. I'm trying to find healthy ways to cope. Creative outlets. Working out whenever I can and keeping active. Although burning this nervous energy off at my gym would be far more productive, finances are stretched thin so we're conserving gas. It's more important that I get to school to sort out loans than it is that I go to the gym right now.

I've been pushing for a lot more commissions, keeping up with my current clients, taking on small projects for friends to keep busy. I need to stay active and keep the creative juices flowing or I will go insane. I have a sewing project that will be finished in about 2 days time plus a knitting project that I've been doing while watching shows with the boy. I still need to get my Etsy shop up and running.

Thankfully school is starting up in mid-February so I'll be kept busy with that. I'm taking Web Development I and a graphics class that's pretty pointless but required. I've been working with Photoshop for 12 years now. I don't really need a beginning photoshop class. But it'll keep me busy (which I need) and it'll be a good refresher course. I've heard students complain about the amount of homework but having worked in fashion for the past 4 years, my production time has gotten pretty fast. Plus I highly doubt it'll be near the amount of work my theatre costume courses assigned me. It will feel good to be back in class again.

I'm still scrambling for a stable job. Part time, even full time as long as they understand I'll likely have night classes I need to attend. I can't stand relying on unemployment. My main concern is my job screwing up any aid I have from school. If that's removed due to a job that still pays just enough for me to get by, I won't be able to afford school on my own. I need out of fashion design and the only way I can see successfully escaping that industry and still securing a good future is by going back to college. I don't really see that industry bouncing back for years anyway.

My anniversary came and went without so much as a nod of acknowledgement. We couldn't afford to do anything, as usual. At least I have someone that I love, that treats me well, to celebrate with, right? We plan to do something, it will just be later on when funds allow.

As we enter a new decade....

I did a serious rehash of the last decade, curious to see how much I've accomplished. Highlights as it's longer than I thought possible:

2000: Graduated high school 6 months early with a 3.80 gpa. Earned an impressive amount of scholarships.

2000: Participated in a fair share of art shows.

2000: Lost my virginity. Yeah I was a bit late. Shut it.

2000: Enrolled at the local JC. Hated it.

2001-2004: Got involved with a man that turned out to be rather abusive but looking back on it, it was a good learning experience for me.

2001: Enrolled at FIDM after receiving the "go to school or pay rent" lecture.

2001: Dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer.

2003: Got my AA in Fashion Design. 3.75 GPA

2003: Accepted to my schools advanced theatre costume program.

2004: Yay, I can now drink legally!!!

2004: Got engaged. Called it off 3 weeks later. He on the other hand continued calling me his future wife.

2004: One and only fashion show. Killed my love of sewing for a good 5 years...

2004: Earned the advanced degree in theatre costume design.

2004: Spent 3 months in Boise, ID where I realized I wasn't happy with my boyfriend at the time of 3 years.

2005: Left the abusive boyfriend.

2005: Met my current partner. :) Clubbing was explored, a social life was finally developed.

2005: My father passed away.... hardest few days of my life.

2005: Moved out, got my first job quickly after. Lost said job 3 months later due to the design team being restructured. Moved in with my boyfriend and his amazing sister.

2006: Got my own own place with my partner. After getting hired on as design director for a t-shirt company.

2007: Lost another gig, decided to travel the country for a year. Idaho, Colorado and Mass.

2008: Came BACK to LA with my tail between my legs, feeling like a screw up. Stayed with a friend for a few months.

2008: The year of the worst jobs I've ever had in my entire life. Wardrobe for a small porn studio and costume designer for a Halloween company.

2009: Hello, year of unemployment...... Thanks recession.

2009: Enrolled in school, again. This time for Web Development.

It's been an exhausting, frustrating, heartbreaking, stressful, panic inducing decade for me. Loosing my father was the hardest thing for me to cope with, but there are times I feel it might have been for the best. At least he didn't have to witness me struggle so much. There were also moments of beauty that balanced out my problems. Graduating college, even though the career that followed has been one of the biggest let downs of my entire life. I discovered who I really am and to be quite frank with you, I LIKE the blunt, in your face, snarky, honest person I've turned into. I met P this decade too. He's been my rock, the one thing that brings me back to reality when panic is beginning to cloud my every thought. He's made those hellish jobs worth it because I know I'd see him and hear is quirky laughter at the end of the day. I'm not even sure we would have met had I taken a different career path. If not, then really dealing with such an abusive industry was worth it.

I usually try my hardest not to think on the should haves, would haves, could haves. If I even allowed myself to entertain those notions, I'd drive myself mad.

I have high hopes for the next decade but I can't help but notice a small black cloud clinging to the edges of my mind. I'm trying my best to ignore it, knowing it's only there due to the stellar pattern the past 5 years has set up. 2008 was shit, 2009 was far worse. Some things I could control and I grew out of those nasty experiences. Some, such as the recession and my industry being in the top five worst industries in this great old nation of ours, is completely out of my control. I'm not going to dwell on the negative though. Life is what you make it, right?

Almost 9 years later, I find myself back in the classroom, studying what I hope is a far more positive path for me, creatively, emotionally and financially. Gods let me tell you, being surrounded by geeks is so nice in comparison to the last experience surrounded by fake fashion students. I'm thinking it might be best to keep my art on the side rather than approaching it from a do or die attitude. I've learned over the years that although I thrive under pressure, pressure to keep a roof over my head and food on my table isn't exactly conductive to creative energies. I need stability before I can start feeling like myself again.

The fact my future is so fuzzy is terrifying for me. Deep down I'm a control freak. Changing industries is too up in the air for me. Then again, fashion wasn't exactly working either. What is it that they say? Doing the same thing, over and over again expecting a different result is a sure sign of insanity. Once my financial aid is sorted, I know a lot of my stress will be lifted. I haven't been this happy in well, likely a decade. Learning and knowing I'm taking my future by the balls is so empowering.

There's honestly not a lot I'd change about my life, when I think about it. My major complaints, I'm trying to fix as we speak. It's a process, but anything in life that's really worth it, you have to work towards. I may not be earning 6 figures. I may be hitting the reset button on my career a bit too late (I know late twenties isn't late but it is for me.... I saw myself doing so much more with my career) but I have an amazing partner, wonderful friends and a great family. My apartment is pretty damn cheap, for LA that is, I have 2 adorable, loving, cuddly kitties and I can still buy the rare trinket here and there even as a student. I need to remind myself this any time I go into a self hate phase. I have things money and status could never get.

In the end, I am pretty damn lucky.

---Goals for 2010---

• Get my bloody financial aid finally sorted! I've been approved but more documents are needed.
• Dedicate myself to school, 100%. But no repeating the insanity inducing intensity of FIDM.
• Get my fitness back on track. Cardio that's knee happy for 5 days a week, weight training 3 days a week. 25 pounds lost? Maybe 30? Somewhere around a size 5 ideally.
• Diet.... transition over to a Mediterranean pescitartian. Again. Holidays screwed this up.
• Sketch daily, even if it's doodling while watching TV.
• Continue writing daily but add a food and exercise log as well.
• Do NOT back track and start thinking size 0 is a great idea.....
• Finally celebrate my damn anniversary with the boy. It's needed after the past year we've had.
• Birthday Present to myself- be in the best shape I've ever been in my entire life.
• After achieving weight loss goals, begin working on my wardrobe. Sew up a new outfit at least once a month should funds allow.